my momma growin' moon flowers
and what's funny is how they came from a little pack o' seeds
given to me
met with laughter because, well,
we all know i can't grow a damn thing.
talkin' about my lack of thumb as i was walkin' down the way on some eclipse back in my day
and ole Ms. Moon started to say goodnight
she pulled up them covers and for a second
she covered all her light
looked at my momma, said,
"what in the hell i'm supposed to do now?"
that Moon didn't come back
not for a while, she slept
she hid under them covers and she wouldn't come out no matter what i asked her
momma told me she'd come back
told me, wait and see
and what a fool i made outta me
metaphor of my month of May
Moon stayed gone a while, yeah
thought she was stronger than any burner from outerspace
but didn't she show me it's
damn alright to be afraid
i'm not a prophet and most days i'm not even much of a poet but i am a pilot
and some days it's hard to get on up and other days i'm up before the sun is woke
i'm brave and i'm bold
i fight for my dreams and i make room for what i want
but i'm afraid
and i know you are too
about somethin'
about when you'll learn or when you won't
about how to be something you don't
know how
to be
and listen, now, to me
make me think of them moonflowers
given to me
they'd never have bloomed if they were with me
not because i didn't want them to
but because i just didn't know how to let them
so i had to give 'em away and say
i'll let you find your way
and what you don't know is these seeds were given to me as a representation of my growth
my friend saw 'em and said, "these make me think of Lulu."
and i loved those seeds but i knew they couldn't stay seeds forever
and i guess what i'm trying to tell ya
is we've all got these representations of ourselves we wish to be
we want this life or that one
but we can't figure out how to get there
sometimes ya'
gotta give yourself away
to another version of you
allow yourself to change
and dammit, let yourself
be
afraid.
plant yourself in the dirt and hide for as long as you need
but know you can come back out
and when you do
you'll light up the whole damn night
trust me, i saw it with my own eyes
and i know throwing ourselves into fear is a cure
because the moon came back out
she went to rest
and she came back pink
it was dat strawberry moon, you see?
i've been thinking about my fear and how it may look to the rest of the world
never wanted to admit it
but i learned from the moon and listened as she told me
"let me sleep this away.
let me face this another day."
and after that lesson i started screaming it down from every top i could get to
i am afraid
but that don't mean i gotta stop
that doesn't mean i gotta give up
it means i'm a human
not no moonflower seed and not no trick up my sleeve
'fraid of heights and i fly planes
just showin' me
you ain't always gon' be a seed
crazy to 16-year-old me
and i tell her now
if you ever meet a pilot who say they never been scared in an airplane,
spit in they face,
they a lyin' disgrace.
what i've been trying to say
is be patient with yourself
you'll cycle in and out of a seed throughout your whole life
you'll cover your head in your bed and all you'll feel is dread
i'm not a prophet and most days i'm not much of a poet but i am a pilot
and all i wish to do scares me and dammit,
that's okay.
because ya ain't gotta do it all today
so i put on my big ole boots and a jumpsuit
look myself in dat mirror and say
"ya ready?"
and as i work harder than i ever have before
i get that memory of that girl
first time in a plane by herself
on January 15th, early in the day
and i see a moonflower
full blossom
ready to show the whole damn world
she got what it takes.
-
[This was written a few weeks before I took my test to get an additional flight rating. Since passing I've faced a big writers block, but felt the need to share this. These words came out of me when I needed them most, I hope you find encouragement through them too.]
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